A Thanksgiving Lesson
by LovePeaceandMusic
Summary: Hawkeye, frustrated with his life in Korea, wishes he could live someone else's life.  He gets an answer to his wish in an unexpected way.
1. Chapter 1

Belle Winifred and Hawkeye Pierce, a nurse and surgeon in M*A*S*H unit 4077 in Korea, came out of an exhausting surgery session into the cold November night air. Hawkeye looked around at the compound in disgust, the well worn dirt clearing, the drab olive green tents, the other tired people stumbling out of surgery (all in uniforms that matched the tent)...

"I hate this place," he muttered to his girlfriend. "I'd rather be anywhere else. Anywhere in the world."

"You shouldn't say that," Belle scolded gently. "There's worse situations. Would you rather be a soldier at the front?"

"At least then I would be unconscious for surgery," he muttered in reply.

"You can't possibly mean that! What about the pain? What if you lost an arm, or a leg? Or your life?"

"That could still happen here.."

"_And _you hate fighting. Don't you, Hawkeye? Or can you glorify that too?"

He didn't answer.

"Hawkeye, how can you find the good in everyone else's lives, but be so pessimistic about your own?"

Once again, he didn't answer. By that time, they had gotten to Hawkeye's tent, dubbed the Swamp.

"Tomorrow is Thanksgiving," Belle went on quietly. "It would be good of you to think of _something _to be thankful for. It'll make you feel better-"

Hawkeye had had it. "How would you know?" he shouted. "It might make me feel worse! I know _you _feel this way sometimes so why can't you just try to understand?"

He turned away from her and went into his tent, expecting her to follow him in. But she didn't.

A sudden wave of loneliness swept over him. What had he done? He was only angry because she was right and he wasn't in the mood for being wrong. But now he was even more wrong than he was before.

_Terrific, _he thought. _Well, the least I can do is do what she wanted me to do._

He began to try to think of something he was thankful for.

_Let's see... I'm in a foreign country in a foreign continent trying to put the war battered bodies of people back together only to have them go back out and fight all over again. The only family I have is all the way in Maine. My love may never talk to me again._

A fresh wave of despair swept over him. _Maybe I'll sleep on it. _He lay down wearily on his cot. _That's another thing. This mattress makes crackers look thick and luxurious._

"Anyone, anywhere in the world has to have a better life than me," he said to himself as he drifted off to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Hawkeye woke up the next morning without opening his eyes. Instead, he lay still, listening to the wind in the leaves and birdsong.

_Wait, _he thought. _Leaves? Birds? I thought I was in Korea._

For a moment, a wild hope rushed in his chest that it may have all been a dream. The war, being drafted, Korea... all in his head. And now he had woken up to a beautiful Maine morning in his bedroom. Then he realized he could feel the breeze blowing the leaves. _I must have left my window open, _he thought joyfully as his eyes snapped open and his hopes plummeted. He was not in his bedroom. But then again, he was fairly certain he wasn't in Korea either.

He was in a forest in what appeared to be the middle of summer. He sat up looked around, taking in all the rich shades of green, the tall trunks of the trees, the dappled shadows of leaves on the ground, the ferns and other undergrowth abundant in between the trees, the warmth and light of the sun, the noise of singing birds and chirping insects. Then, Hawkeye realized that he seemed more... _aware._ Aware of the scents the breeze was bringing to him, the clarity of the forest sounds.

He stood up and started walking. He hadn't really paid any attention to how he was walking, he was too intent on his surroundings and had just let instinct take over. But suddenly, he realized he was walking on all fours.

He stopped and looked down. He screamed, but it came out as more of a yowl.

_He had paws._

Four black cat paws. His arms were the front legs of a black cat, his legs were the cat's hind legs. He twisted his head around and saw black furred shoulders and a black cat's flank and tail. He set off again at a nervous trot, determined to find some place to see his new face as well. Eventually, he came to clearing of flat, wide stones and found a puddle in a crack in the rock. He peered into it and saw two triangle ears set on top of his head, two round blue eyes with vertical pupils, whiskers... _He was a cat._

He heard his own voice echo in his head. _Anyone, anywhere in the world had to have a better life than me._

_Well, you got your wish, _said a small voice in his head. A wave of joy swept over him. He had got his wish! And this was no fairy tale picture book when the character gets his wish and it backfires. This was _real _life and as Korea had taught him, real life was no fairy tale.

For a moment, he practiced being a cat. He angled his ears in different directions to bring the sounds from those areas in clearer. He twitched his whiskers and lashed his tail. He particularly enjoyed his tail. He swept it along the ground and pushed some dead leaves into the puddle.. Although immediately after he did this, he wished he hadn't because he realized he was hungry and thirsty.

_Well, I could drink from the river on the other side of the rocks. And I suppose I need to learn how to hunt?_ He gazed doubtfully up at a squirrel leaping from branch to branch high above him. He noticed that, out on the rocks, a vole had crept out of its hole. He ran out of the cover of the trees after it. Almost immediately, the small rodent had disappeared back underground. Hawkeye sat down on the pleasantly warm stone. _Well, it'll probably take some practice, but come on! No war, no wounded, no violence, no blood, no army, no rules, no Frank, no Margaret. _Despite his happy optimism about his new life, he felt a small prickle of apprehension. What if he _had _caught that vole? Would he just eat it, just like that? It seemed to strange to not have to cook it, but he supposed it was another plus of being of cat. But what about the fur?

He shook these thoughts away. He was a cat now; he would have to live like one. He went farther from the forest and came to the bank of the river. He carefully leaned over and took a few mouthfuls of the clear river water. He looked across the river. It was a forest, though not as thick as this one.

Suddenly, a loud challenge rang out, "What do you think you're doing on our territory?"


	3. Chapter 3

Hawkeye spun around to see a broad shouldered orange cat step out of the shadows of the forest, a light tan cat at his shoulder.

Hawkeye started backing away from the two ferocious looking cats, saying, "I'm sorry! I didn't know this was anyone's territory, I'll just be leaving, if you show me which way to go."

The tan cat narrowed her green eyes. The orange cat spat, "We'll show you which way to go all right! And give you a few scratches to help you remember!" Hawkeye saw his claws slide out. Then, three more cats charged out from the trees. Hawkeye gulped. That made _five _to one.

The three new arrivals were led by a gray tabby with green eyes, and there was a huge silver tabby with light blue eyes and a small brown cat. The three came in between Hawkeye and the two others and the gray tabby addressed them. "Flamepelt, Flowershine, there's no need for unnecessary fighting! He wasn't here to invade and he was willing to leave!"

Hawkeye liked this cat right away.

The orange cat lashed his tail angrily. "But the warrior code says to challenge trespassers and defend your Clan!"

"And you did just that," the gray tabby replied. "You challenged him, and he said he would leave. Unneeded hostility may have done the Clan more harm than good. Just showing him the way out as he had asked would have been sufficient."

The tan cat muttered, "_I _still think he's a prey-stealing trespasser!"

"Prey stealing?" Hawkeye said incredulously. "I don't even know how to hunt, how can you accuse me of stealing prey?"

The big silver tabby said in a deep voice, "Kittypet, eh? I guess we should have known. Come on, we'll take you back to Twolegplace. Next time, keep out of the forest."

"Wait, what? I don't even know what a kittypet or a Twolegplace is! I'm from... far away. I need some place to stay," Hawkeye knew he sounded pitiful, but he didn't know who else could help him, and besides, the gray and silver cats seemed friendly enough. "I don't know how to hunt or any of that type of thing!"

The orange cat narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

"He's lying!" the tan cat declared triumphantly. "He changed his story!"

The gray and the silver cat exchanged a glance. "Well," the gray cat began. "He doesn't smell like any other Clan."

"He still smells like Twolegs, though," the silver cat said, staring at Hawkeye like he was trying to figure him out.

The gray cat sat down. "You certainly are a mystery. What do you think, Rabbitpaw?"

The small brown cat jumped. "M-me, sir?" Hawkeye was reminded strongly of Radar.

"Yes, you. You have a lot of sense and instinct for one so young."

"W-well, I think he's telling the truth."

The orange cat stepped forward. "Are we really going to let an _apprentice _make decisions?"

"An apprentice with more sense than you," the silver cat muttered.

"Anyway," the gray cat said. "We _could _bring you into the Clan. It would take dedication and hard work. Loyalty and respect are important in Clan life."

Hawkeye was sure he could respect people-er, cats- like these more than the Army officials. Well, most of them anyway. The orange and yellow cats reminded him of Frank and Margaret. Dedication, hard work, and loyalty were all things he could go along with, he supposed. In return for taking him in, it only seemed right.

"Alright," he agreed.

"What?" the tan cat looked amazed. "You can't accept _him _into the Clan!"

"There have been several great warriors who weren't Clanborn," the gray cat said icily. Hawkeye had a feeling there was something in his personal history that made him say that.

"Well, let's get introductions out of the way!" the silver cat said, obviously trying to steer the conversation away from such touchy subjects. "I'm Silverfur, this," he indicated to the gray tabby, "is Graystar."

The orange cat, apparently unwilling to be outdone, said," I'm Flamepelt and this is Flowershine." The tan cat nodded curtly.

"And this is Rabbitpaw," Silverfur finished, gesturing to the small brown cat with his tail.

"I'm Hawkeye."

"Well, Hawkeye," Graystar said. "Let me explain Clan life to you. Now, the forest is split into four different territories. There are four Clans, one for each territory. We are ThunderClan. There is also RiverClan, WindClan, and ShadowClan. Each Clan is led by one cat, called the leader. I am the leader of ThunderClan. Each leader chooses a deputy to aid them and to succeed them. Silverfur is my deputy. Each Clan also has a medicine cat, who heals sick and injured cats, and receives and interprets dreams and signs from StarClan, our warrior ancestors. Warriors are cats who have been trained to hunt and fight and they get fresh-kill for the Clan and defend the territory. Warriors patrol the borders every day. When kits are six moons old, they become apprentices and are assigned a mentor. Their mentor is just a warrior who will teach them how to hunt, fight, and follow the warrior code. Sometimes a kit will decide to be a medicine cat apprentice and their mentor will be the medicine cat. Their training will be more focused on finding and using herbs to heal and interpreting signs from StarClan."

Hawkeye nodded, trying to take in this rush of information. "Okay." He felt better now that he realized Graystar was leader and Silverfur was deputy. They seemed like good, reasonable people. Er, cats, right. That was going to take some getting used to.

Rabbitpaw had been listening quietly to his leader's explanation, but now he spoke, "It sounds like you already have a warrior name!"

Hawkeye noticed that all the cats' names were two words like his. "Not on purpose, I can assure you."

"Which brings me to names," Graystar continued. "In the Clans, names are very important. When a kit is born, its mother gives it a name. The name is in two parts, the first part will most likely be part of the cat's name always. The second part is 'kit'. The 'kit' becomes 'paw' when they are apprenticed. Once an apprentice is ready to become a warrior, the 'paw' can become almost anything. If a cat becomes Clan leader, the second part of the name becomes 'star'."

"Well, I don't know if I'm going to stay forever..." Hawkeye started, but then he remembered where he would return. To Korea, to war, to violence, to blood, to death, to destruction. He was standing in a lush forest, thinking about returning _there? _"On second thought, I think I will stay."

Graystar stared at him gravely. "Only if you are willing to be dedicated and loyal to your new Clan. If you ever a doubt, you would have to leave forever. You can't live in two worlds."

"Alright. But, one thing... can I just keep my name?"

Flamepelt jumped up, exclaiming, "Ha! He's already backing out of our Clan ways! We should-"

Silverfur shot Flamepelt a warning glare. "A cat can be a good warrior even without the name. He has lived a longer life with his own name than a kit would have."

Flamepelt and Flowershine opened their mouths as if to argue, but Graystar interrupted. "If you would like to keep your old name, I think that would be alright. But you will still be an apprentice."

Hawkeye nodded. "Can I be medicine cat apprentice?" He thought that would be just in his league.

Flowershine looked outraged. "Have a rogue as a medicine cat? A warrior is one thing but a medicine cat is different!"

"Yes," Flamepelt agreed. "A medicine cat is an extremely important and respected Clan member. How could we let an outsider hold that position?"

"And how could a rogue understand StarClan?"

"Speaking of," Graystar continued. "StarClan are our warrior ancestors. When a cat dies, they join the ranks of StarClan and watch over us. They often send medicine cats, and sometimes leaders, omens and dreams warning of dangers to come and other things."

Hawkeye could see why a medicine cat was so important. That sounded like Father Mulcahy, Belle, and himself put together.

"To answer your question," Silverfur said. "No, you cannot be a medicine cat apprentice. Our medicine cat, Ravenfrost, already has an apprentice."

"Well, come on," Graystar said. "Let's show you to the Clan."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

The five Clan cats led him deeper into the forest, Graystar in the lead with Silverfur at his right side. Rabbitpaw was to the left and a little behind Graystar. Flowershine and Flamepelt brought up the rear, making Hawkeye feel like a prisoner. They jumped over a stream, ran past a shallow sandy pit, and navigated through lots and lots of trees.

_I hope I don't get lost out here, _Hawkeye thought. _All these trees look the same to me. _

Soon they came to a ravine. At the bottom of the rocky slope there was a clearing sheltered by dense undergrowth. The group of cats stopped at the top of the ravine and Graystar announced, "This is ThunderClan's camp."

_My new home._

With that, Graystar plunged down the ravine with Silverfur and Rabbitpaw at his heels. Hawkeye hesitated for a moment, overwhelmed at all the sudden change in his life. Flamepelt and Flowershine took this opportunity to stalk forward to be on both sides of him.

"Unsure?" Flamepelt whispered.

"If you're not going to be committed to the Clan, you should take the chance to leave now," Flowershine murmured silkily. "You will have to endure bitter leafbares, hunger, battle, and sacrifice. The Clan must be looked after first."

"And we don't like traitors," Flamepelt added lightly.

Despite their soft tones, Hawkeye could hear a veiled threat, especially in Flamepelt's last statement. _Sure, I left the human war, but they said there would be battles. What have I got myself into this time? Is there no life I can lead without being drafted?_

Hawkeye once again considered his options. Join the Clan, where he would apparently have to work hard and suffer his share of pain but be sheltered and guided, or decline Graystar's offer and worry only about himself in unfamiliar territory, trying to survive in unfamiliar ways?

_If only there were a trial period! I could learn to get food for myself, get acclimated to the surroundings and see how I like this Clan thing. Then, I would be skilled enough to live on my own if I chose. But these cats are do or die, aren't they?_

"I must come." Hawkeye charged into the ravine after Graystar, Silverfur, and Rabbitpaw who had disappeared into the camp by now. He pushed his way through the gorse tunnel that was the entrance into the camp and couldn't help feeling that it was a bad omen that the entrance caught in his fur and held him back.

_I'll get used to it, _he assured himself as he pushed into the camp and was met by a strong smell of... cat.

_How the _hell _do I know what cat smells like? Instinct? _Hawkeye wasn't sure whether he liked these new instincts of his. True, they would enable him to live out here, but could he still be himself if he found eating mice and licking fur perfectly acceptable? _Was that what I wanted? To not be Hawkeye any longer?_

Hawkeye suddenly became aware of his visual surroundings. The inside of the camp was a clearing with patchy grass in the center where the pawsteps of many, many generations had worn most vegetation away, but it was thicker around the edges, except in front of gaps in the barrier of thorns and other undergrowth that he assumed were dens. He saw a huge rock at the base of which Graystar and Silverfur was sitting. About a dozen unfamiliar cats were standing in the clearing and every eye was trained on Hawkeye.

Graystar leapt to the top of the rock and called, "Let all cats old enough to catch their own prey gather here beneath the Highrock for a Clan meeting." Hawkeye assumed this was merely a custom as no more cats appeared.

"A new cat will become apprenticed in ThunderClan," Graystar began. "Not a cat, but a loner who was found near Sunningrocks by Flamepelt and Flowershine." The leader inclined his head to the two warriors who were sitting side by side near the camp entrance, looking annoyed.

"_I _tried to chase him out," Flamepelt pointed out.

Flowershine nodded. "That is what the correct action against intruders is."

A few cats murmured agreement. "So what is he doing here?" a voice called.

"This cat made it apparent that he meant no harm, and was only on our land because he was new to the forest and wasn't aware of our claim," Graystar explained. "I see no need for unnecessary violence, so I figured a peaceful negotiation could be made in this situation. After briefly explaining Clan ways, he showed an interest in becoming a member of the Clan. I had no qualms with this and neither did Silverfur. And neither should any of you."

Hawkeye noticed that some cats seemed friendly and curious about him, but others were glaring suspiciously.

"He just wants our prey!"

"He can't be trusted!"

"He could never be a loyal warrior, only forest born cats can do that!"

Silence fell on the camp after that last statement. Graystar stood stock still, staring furiously at the cats below. "The place of a cat's birth makes no difference to his character," he said coldly, barely suppressed anger apparent in his voice. "In Hawkeye's case, it makes no matter that he was born _and _raised outside the Clan. Perhaps it was meant to be, with a name like Hawkeye. Which is why I have decided to allow him to keep his name during his apprenticeship, considering he has had it longer than a typical apprentice would have had their kit name."

This started more controversy.

"Already rejecting Clan ways!"

"I bet he'll always feed himself before the Clan."

"You're right, I bet he's a lazy glutton. Most loners are."

Hawkeye noticed that the negativity was coming from the same two voices. There was an old golden colored cat and a she-cat whose fur was such a light gray that it was almost white who were the main dissenters. Everyone else seemed trusting enough in their leader's judgment to accept him for the time being.

"Hawkeye, you are now accepted into ThunderClan as an apprentice to learn our ways," Graystar started again. "Silverfur, you have great strength and wisdom. May you be able to teach Hawkeye to serve his Clan as well as you have."

Silverfur approached Hawkeye and touched his nose to Hawkeye's. The Clan cats started chanting his name, though Hawkeye was aware of Flamepelt, Flowershine, and the two protester cats staring in a stony silence through this ritual.

Rabbitpaw bounded over, along with another small skinny cat, this one with ginger fur and a bushy tail. Rabbitpaw looked annoyed. "It's really rude of them not to say your new name."

The ginger cat rolled his eyes. "Aw, who cares about the opinion of what, four cats?"

Graystar approached the group. "Well, Hawkeye. Welcome to ThunderClan."


	5. Chapter 5

The ginger cat with the bushy tail faced Hawkeye. "Hi, I'm Foxpaw! I'm a ThunderClan apprentice, too!" He looked especially proud of the last statement. "I'm going to give you a tour of the camp!"

He bounded off and Rabbitpaw trotted after him. Hawkeye followed, chuckling softly at the young apprentice's enthusiasm.

They came to stand at the base of the rock from which Graystar had spoken to the Clan. "This is the Highrock," Foxpaw began. "As you saw, Graystar stands on top to address the Clan. His den is in the side of it." He indicated a layer of lichen growing on the side. "You can go through that and it's his den."

Before the group could move on, a dark brown tabby walked over to us. "Foxpaw, you're coming with me on the evening patrol."

"Great!" he bounced once in his excitement. "Wait, I'll be able to finish the tour, right?"

The brown cat glanced at Hawkeye before answering, "If you don't waste time." He turned his head to Hawkeye again and said, "I'm Tigerstripe. Welcome to the Clan."

Hawkeye watched him turn and walk away. His tone had been formal, so Hawkeye couldn't tell whether he genuinely welcomed him, or whether he was on the side of Flamepelt and Flowershine.

"That's my mentor," Foxpaw stated, taking Hawkeye's mind off whether Tigerstripe had accepted him or not. "And those are our parents, Mudpelt and Shadowleaf."

He gestured to a dark brown tom lounging in the sun with a small black she-cat with orange patches. "Wait, _our_ parents?" Hawkeye asked, wondering who the other cat he was referring to.

"Yes," Foxpaw answered. "Rabbitpaw's and mine. We're brothers."

Hawkeye suddenly noticed the similarity in shape of the two cats, small and skinny. Their different colors and temperaments hadn't made the resemblance obvious. The thought of family made Hawkeye remember his father back in Maine.

"Anyway, enough talk!" Foxpaw interrupted Hawkeye's thoughts. "Let's go to the warriors' den!"

The two brothers led Hawkeye to a low, spreading bush. "The warriors sleep in here," Rabbitpaw explained.

"One day, _we _will," Foxpaw added, nearly bursting with pride and excitement at the thought.

Flamepelt approached them. "Move, apprentices! You shouldn't be hanging so close to here anyway. What do you think you are, warriors?" He pushed past them into the den.

"As you know, that's Flamepelt," Rabbitpaw said sullenly.

Flamepelt hadn't dampened Foxpaw's humor. "Aw, don't worry about him! We'll be warriors soon enough, then he won't be able to pick on us! Actually, he'll probably find something, but we won't care. Right?"

Rabbitpaw brightened a little. "Yeah. Let's show Hawkeye his new den."

They continued to a tree stump surrounded by tall ferns. "We sleep under the ferns," Foxpaw said. "There are not many apprentices right now, so it's pretty roomy in there right now."

"Why aren't there many apprentices?" Hawkeye felt apprehension well up inside him as he noticed that even Foxpaw's bright eyes became sober.

"Well," the ginger apprentice started. "There were five apprentices and three litters of kits at the beginning of leaf-bare. Then the greencough came."

The two were silent for a moment before Rabbitpaw continued. "We were kits at the time. It was a bitter leaf-bare and this was the worst case of greencough the Clans had seen in seasons. Many cats got sick. Elders and kits are always the most vulnerable, but this time, the sickness hit apprentices just as hard. Every apprentice died. Two elders died. Foxpaw and I lost our sister. One litter lost three out of four kits; the only one remaining is now the medicine cat apprentice. And, see that small black she-cat over there?"

He nodded towards a group of cats eating by the warriors' den. "That's Ravenwing. Both her kits died."

Hawkeye nearly wailed aloud at the wave of raw grief this story brought. He never knew any of these people –er, cats- but he couldn't help but feel for them.

_Feelings of grief over young life I never knew lost? Damn it, these feelings are supposed to be gone with the war!_

Rabbitpaw continued heavily, "It was a dark time for our Clan. A few cats were sure it was the end."

A few moments went past when the only sounds were birdsong, insects buzzing in the trees, and the murmur of the other Clan cats talking. Hawkeye felt the all too familiar emotions of grief and sympathy, for the cats he never had a chance to meet, for Foxpaw and Rabbitpaw who lost their sister, for Mudpelt and Shadowleaf who lost their daughter, for Smokepaw who lost almost everything, for Ravenwing who lost every child she had, for the rest of the Clan as they awaited their doom, for the medicine cat who must have felt helpless as the deaths piled up. _Disease is as bad as war, isn't it? _Hawkeye realized that, after that story, these cats seemed as real as any person. They had history, family, hierarchy, everything. And he was about to become one of them.

Foxpaw shook himself. "Well, it wasn't the end, was it? Let's keep going."

Next, they came to a thickly tangled bramble bush with a narrow gap for the entrance. A white cat with blue eyes crouched with her front paws tucked under chest, watching two kits tumble playfully in front of her.

"This is the nursery," Rabbitpaw informed him. "Queens nursing or expecting kits live here, along with all the kits under six moons who are too young to be apprentices."

The two kits bundled over to Hawkeye. One was a tabby tom, the other a white she-cat.

"You're the new cat!" the little she-cat said excitedly.

"Where did you come from?" the tabby asked, in awe. "The mountains?"

"I bet he came from so far away he was as small as us when he left and it's taken him all that time to get here!" the she-cat squeaked.

They both stared in amazement. Then, the brown tom started as if he had just remembered something. "I'm Barkkit, and this is my sister, Blizzardkit."

The white cat, who Hawkeye assumed was their mother, padded over. "Are you two remembering your manners?" she scolded gently.

"Yes, Icefur ," they chorused.

Icefur purred and turned her attention to the three apprentices. "Hello, you three." She faced the two brothers. "Are you showing Hawkeye around?"

They nodded. Icefur turned to Hawkeye. "I heard Flamepelt and Flowershine found you. I hope they didn't give the rest of us Clan cats a bad reputation."

"Oh, Foxpaw and Rabbitpaw are proving otherwise."

The brothers looked pleased. Icefur turned back to her kits and the tour continued.

They came to a tunnel overarched with ferns. They went through it and came to a small clearing with a clear pool of water on one side and a rock wall on the other. The rock had a cleft in it that a cat was emerging from. Hawkeye was taken by surprise at this cat's exotic appearance. He was a creamy color with a dark face, ears, paws, and tail.

_He looks like a Siamese cat. What is one of those doing in a forest?_

"Is something wrong?" the small tom asked as he turned his light blue eyes on the three. Despite his exotic appearance, the cat's voice was just the same as any.

"No," Foxpaw answered. "We're just showing Hawkeye around."

"Ah, I see. Well, I'm Ravenfrost, the ThunderClan medicine cat."

Hawkeye dipped his head respectfully, remembering the importance of the role this cat played.

"No one has given you a hard time, have they?"

Hawkeye remembered Flamepelt and Flowershine, not to mention the two cats in the crowd during his introduction. "Well-," he started.

Ravenfrost sighed. "They will. Prejudice against non-Clanborn cats runs rampant in the Clans. But not to worry. In this very Clan, there are two outside-born cats who reached a high status."

"Really, who?"

"Me and my brother, Graystar." The medicine cat purred at Hawkeye's look of surprise. "Yes, despite some of the Clan's disapproval, the leader before Graystar looked favorably on us."

Hawkeye wasn't surprised by the fact that the unusual looking Ravenfrost wasn't Clanborn, nor Graystar once he remembered how the leader reacted to the cats' hints at a non-Clanborn cat being inferior; although he wondered if many of the Clan cats knew that. He was more surprised that the extraordinary looking medicine cat was related to the plain gray tabby.

The ferns rustled behind them and a small gray tom entered, dragging a rabbit with him.

"Is that for me, Smokepaw?" Ravenfrost asked.

The tom dropped the rabbit and nodded.

"Well, I won't be able to finish it; you'll have to have some, too."

He nodded again. He had brooding, thoughtful eyes. Hawkeye remembered, with a pang of pity, that Smokepaw was the medicine cat apprentice who had lost all his siblings.

"Hi, Smokepaw!" Foxpaw mewed cheerfully. "Meet Hawkeye."

Smokepaw nodded, once again.

"Well, come on, Hawkeye," Foxpaw started for the tunnel of ferns. "You'll meet the elders next."

When they emerged from the medicine cat's clearing, Rabbitpaw turned to Hawkeye. "Smokepaw gets like that sometimes, all quiet and distant. He talks sometimes, it's just that… I think he never quite got over losing all his littermates."

Hawkeye nodded. "Yeah, I figured." _Poor scrap._

They came to a fallen tree trunk, covered with moss and grasses. "The elders live in the roots," Rabbitpaw explained. There were two elders sprawled out in front of the trunk. With a jolt, Hawkeye recognized the golden colored cat who had protested his being accepted into the Clan. The old tom narrowed his eyes.

"It's the loner. I hope you're not corrupting these two apprentices? Should have known a kittypet leader would make such decisions," he hissed.

"That's Lionpelt," Foxpaw said. "And don't worry too much about what he says. He criticizes everything."

The other elder was a skinny black she-cat. "Oh, hush, Lionpelt. Give the cat a chance."

"That's Crowwing," Rabbitpaw said.

Foxpaw took a step closer to the elders. "Would you like to meet Hawkeye?"

Lionpelt pointedly got up and went into his den. Crowwing sighed and then turned her face to Hawkeye. "I'm sorry about him. He and his daughter are the most prejudiced cats in the Clan. Besides those two, you really shouldn't have a problem."

Hawkeye dipped his head. "Yes, I've met quite a few cats, and they all seem great."

Lionpelt stalked back out of his den. "What, no fresh-kill? Should have known."

Rabbitpaw blinked apologetically. "Sorry, Lionpelt. I'll get you some right away."

He trotted to a dip in the ground where several dead rodents and birds lay. With a shudder of horror, Hawkeye realized that was the food.

Rabbitpaw returned, carrying several pieces of "fresh-kill." He dropped it in front of the elders and then turned away. Foxpaw and Hawkeye followed. Rabbitpaw and Foxpaw each took fresh-kill. Hawkeye hesitated, trying to get the nerve to touch one. He realized the two brothers were staring at him quizzically.

"What are you waiting for?" Foxpaw asked. "Apprentices aren't supposed to eat until the elders are fed, it's in the warrior code, but the elders are fed. It's our turn."

Hawkeye closed his eyes and let the instincts he had been worried about earlier take over. The apprentices took their meal to the tree stump by the apprentices den and ate. Hawkeye tried not to focus on what he had just done.

_I'm losing my humanity! Is that what I wanted?_

Hawkeye became uncomfortably aware of eyes boring into him. He looked around uneasily and saw the light gray cat who had protested with Lionpelt. Their eyes met briefly and she bared her teeth in a snarl.

"Who's that?" Hawkeye murmured to Rabbitpaw.

"That's Snowcloud. She's Lionpelt's daughter, the one Crowwing mentioned."

"Aw, who cares about them?" Foxpaw said, ever cheerful. "How do you like the Clan, Hawkeye?"

Hawkeye thought about Snowcloud's and Lionpelt's hostility. He thought about Flamepelt's and Flowershine's obnoxiousness resemblance to Frank and Margaret. He thought about dead rodents and devastating diseases. He thought about Clan prejudice. But he also remembered war, blood, Korea, long surgery sessions, nights spent in not-so-sobriety. He thought of the red tape of the Army and of the real Frank and Margaret.

But he also remembered Belle, Trapper, Klinger, Henry, and Radar. He remembered his father back in Maine. He remembered beds and houses. But he couldn't forget Rabbitpaw's and Foxpaw's friendliness, Barkkit's and Blizzardkit's excitement at his arrival. Nor could he forget the sound of birdsong and wind in the leaves, making quite a contrast to bombs and overcomes announcing incoming wounded.

With all this in mind, Hawkeye answered with complete honesty, "I don't know."


	6. Chapter 6

The next day, Hawkeye and Silverfur set out on a tour of ThunderClan territory. It wasn't long before they came to a huge tree.

"This is the Great Sycamore," Silverfur said. "Apprentices learn to climb trees here. It's also a great place for hunting."

He jumped up to a root under the tree. "Do you know how to climb trees?"

"No," Hawkeye answered. _Not as a cat._

The huge tom balanced on his hind legs and dug his front claws into the trunk. He scooted up the trunk to a low branch and jumped neatly onto it.

"Your turn," he invited.

Hawkeye wasn't sure he had enough strength to claw his way up the trunk, so he figured a running jump would help. He managed to jump to a point about a foot off the ground. He unhooked one paw and put it up higher, then the other. He somehow managed to haul the rest of his body up along with it. When he finally got to the point where Silverfur had jumped to the branch, he awkwardly sprang. His claws scored through the bark and he was suddenly on the ground.

"Good first try!" Silverfur called from above. "That jump was a little short, though."

"That would explain why I'm on the ground," Hawkeye muttered.

Silverfur flicked his ears. "Try again."

Three attempts later, and Hawkeye managed to scrabble his way onto the branch where Silverfur stood.

"There," he panted. "I did it."

"Yes, but we must keep going. We have a lot to see." Silverfur jumped lightly off the branch.

Hawkeye stared after him in disbelief. "But… I just got up here."

Apparently not hearing, Silverfur called over his shoulder, "Are you coming, or practicing being a squirrel?"

Hawkeye sighed. "Yeah, I'm coming."

They came to a small, rocky clearing.

"Be careful," Silverfur warned. "This is Snakerocks. Adders live around here. A bite from one of them, and you would die before Ravenfrost could do anything."

A chill ran down Hawkeye's spine at the realization that the cats had minefields of their own.

Next, Silverfur led Hawkeye to a river.

"This is the same river that you were next to when we found you, although this is downstream. This is the border with RiverClan."

From farther upstream, the sound of screeching and yowling could be heard.

"Sounds like a battle." Silverfur bounded urgently towards it.

Panic flared in Hawkeye. _A battle? Oh no, oh no, oh no, anything but a fight. _After a few moments of painful indecision, Hawkeye decided he didn't want to be caught alone, especially since he was close to another's territory. He followed Silverfur to the clearing with the flat rocks where the Clan cats had first found him. Next to the rocks, in the small patch of grass between the trees and the rocks were three pairs of fighting cats.

Hawkeye recognized the black and orange she-cat, Shadowleaf, rolling in the grass with an unfamiliar orange tabby. Snowcloud swiped a paw over a black and silver tabby's ear, spraying blood onto her light pelt. Ravenwing, the small black she-cat, looked even smaller compared to the huge tabby tom who was pinning her to the ground.

"What's going on here?" Silverfur snarled.

Shadowleaf and Snowcloud separated from their opponents and moved closer together. The big tabby kept Ravenwing trapped, though he turned his attention to the ThunderClan deputy.

"RiverClan was trying to lay claim to Sunningrocks," Snowcloud answered, glaring at the cat with the freshly shredded ear. "Again."

"It's rightfully ours!" the huge tabby hissed, his claws digging angrily into Ravenwing.

"The border is on the _other _side of Sunningrocks," Silverfur hissed furiously. "I suggest you get to your side."

Suddenly, Ravenwing's hind legs shot up and she raked her hind claws down her captor's belly. He yowled in pain and surprise and jumped off her. The three RiverClan cats gathered together, fur bristling and tails lashing.

This isn't over," the huge tom menaced before the three cats shot across the rocks and jumped into the river.

Hawkeye stared, astonished, as they swam to the other side. "They can _swim?_"

"They're called RiverClan for a reason," Silverfur said as he watched them through narrowed eyes.

"Why do they think these rocks belong to them?"

"The river once ran on both sides, making them the only cats who could reach it. But the river changed its course and we claimed it. Of course that was long ago. But there has been conflict ever since."

"But, it sounds like it should be theirs. If it was originally, it only makes sense."

Snowcloud jumped up angrily. "You would say that, filthy pest! If you want to be a ThunderClan cat, you have to be willing to protect ThunderClan and its land with your life!"

A horrible, twisting, fearful despair welled inside Hawkeye. _Death. Blood. Violence. That's what I was trying to get away from._

Silverfur sighed. "Anyway, Hawkeye, to continue with the tour, this is Sunningrocks. It's good for hunting and keeps the sun's warmth well, making it the perfect place to bask when not hunting or patrolling." His voice sounded flat and distracted. "We'll have to see the rest later. Let's get back to camp."

Shadowleaf, Snowcloud, and Ravenwing fell in step with Silverfur and Hawkeye and returned to camp. Snowcloud walked behind Hawkeye and he felt her hateful stare burning into him all the way to camp. When they entered the camp clearing, she pushed past him, knocking him into Shadowleaf and Ravenwing.

"S-sorry," he stammered, trying not to get any more of these ferocious creatures angry at him.

Shadowleaf purred. "I see Snowcloud is making you nervous. Don't worry about it; most cats think you're alright."

"Yes," Ravenwing agreed quietly. "You remind me of one of my kits."

"You mean one of the-" Hawkeye paused, not wanting to say "dead kits."

"You can say they're dead," she murmured. "I'm rather aware."

"Er, right."

"His name was Hawkkit. He didn't live very long, so I guess you can't really remind me of him, but I suppose it's the name…" She trailed off and her eyes held such sadness that Hawkeye's heart went out to her. There was a glow of pride there, too, and Hawkeye realized this little, sad cat had adopted him into her Clan in more ways than one.

Hawkeye had a hard time sleeping that night. He was exhausted from the day, particularly the pointless climbing of that damn tree. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't escape his thoughts. Distressing images of the past two days flashed in his mind: Snowcloud and Lionpelt's loathing, Flamepelt and Flowershine's Frank-like behavior and veiled threats, Graystar's angry indignation at his Clan's prejudice, Smokepaw's depressed eyes, Ravenwing's grief and loneliness driving her to see a stranger as her kit, the story of the disease that swept through the camp, and, perhaps worst of all, the RiverClan cats' blood staining Sunningrocks as they fled.


	7. Chapter 7

Hawkeye spent the next day learning to hunt. Silverfur showed him all the different stalking techniques: one for birds, one for mice, and so on. Hawkeye was surprised to find out the ThunderClan cats didn't fish.

"Only RiverClan cats can fish," Silverfur had said when Hawkeye had asked; puzzled that Hawkeye would think something so silly.

Now they were returning to camp.

"Tonight is the Gathering," Silverfur said. "It is held every full moon when all the Clans meet to exchange news under a truce at Fourtrees."

"Fourtrees?" Hawkeye had never been shown that part of the forest.

"In the center of all the territories is a clearing that owned by no Clan, and yet by all Clans. It is sacred to the Clans; it is where Clan rivalries are put aside for one night. In it, stand four great oak trees, one to represent each Clan. There is also the Great Rock, the boulder where the leaders of all four Clans stand to address the cats below."

_Address the Clans? Great, politics. Should have known._

"You'll be going," Silverfur informed him.

"Really? But- I'm just an apprentice. Isn't this more of a warrior thing?" _An _accepted_ warrior thing, not for outcasts, I would have thought._

"A few apprentices usually go. Foxpaw is going also. Now why don't you go eat before we leave?"

Hawkeye murmured agreement and turned away. He was mildly curious to find out whether cat politics were as obnoxious as human politics and he was pleased Foxpaw was coming with him. However he still hadn't come to terms with eating "fresh-kill". He closed his eyes and dragged some small animal from the pile over to the tree trunk by the apprentices' den. He spotted his "denmates," Rabbitpaw and Foxpaw, approaching and waited until they came, so he could focus on their conversation and not what he was supposed to be eating. This was easy to accomplish since the two apprentices almost always had something to talk about at the end of the day: prey caught, battle moves learned, or whatever else had happened. Although Hawkeye couldn't sympathize with their endless enthusiasm for warrior training, he liked their youthful enthusiasm.

_Youth, _he thought. _What a wonderful thing. They're lucky their youth won't be wasted in a war. _The image of the fight at Sunningrocks flashed through Hawkeye's mind. _Hopefully._

Foxpaw ran at Hawkeye's side at the back of the group of ThunderClan cats who were going to the Gathering. They went through a part of the forest Hawkeye hadn't seen yet, so the boisterous apprentice took on the role of tour guide again.

"You've seen most of the exciting stuff," he fretted. They leaped over a narrow stream and Foxpaw pointed with his tail to a tree. "That's the Owltree. It's a rotten place for hunting because any prey that's stupid enough to go there is eaten by the owl that lives in it."

"Are we almost there?" Hawkeye panted a little later, unaccustomed to so much running.

The cats in front of him slowed to a stop at the top of a hill. "Yes," Foxpaw answered. "We're here."

Hawkeye noticed that all the cats were staring at Graystar. He was standing at the head of the patrol, standing stock-still. His tail was straight up and when he flicked it from side to side, all the cats charged over the hill.

Fourtrees was a hollow with the four trees and the boulder Silverfur had described, but Hawkeye barely noticed. He was too busy trying to take in the huge crowd of cats. He had never seen so many all in one place. _There has to be at least sixty cats here! _

He turned to talk to Foxpaw and realized he wasn't there. After a moment of scanning the crowd, he saw him with a group of apprentices from the other Clans. Silverfur was with Graystar at the base of the boulder, the "Great Rock" as Silverfur had called it earlier. Hawkeye didn't want to disturb them, but he felt a little nervous with so many strange cats. He couldn't get the blood and claws at the fight at Sunningrocks out of his mind so the cats were making him a little nervous.

"Hello, Hawkeye."

Hawkeye jumped and whipped around to see Ravenwing. She purred. "A bit intimidating the first time, isn't it?"

"Yes. I've never seen so many cats in one place." _And I've never been so afraid of cats until I saw Snowcloud try to shred that one cat's ear off._

"The leaders are bound to start soon. I'll tell you who's who."

Then Graystar jumped onto the Great Rock with three other cats. There was a small white she-cat, an orange tom, and a skinny black and white tom. The white cat yowled and the cats fell silent.

"That's Moonstar," Ravenwing whispered. "ShadowClan's leader."

"ShadowClan is proud to announce the birth of a healthy litter of kits," Moonstar announced. "Other than that, we have nothing to report."

Next, the black and white tom stepped forward.

"That's Patchstar, the WindClan leader," Ravenwing murmured.

"In WindClan, prey has been running well. We have two new apprentices, Honeypaw and Leafpaw."

"Honeypaw! Leafpaw! Honeypaw! Leafpaw!" the Clan cats chanted. Hawkeye quickly joined in, remembering Rabbitpaw's horror that some cats were rude enough to not chant Hawkeye's name when he first arrived. He saw that a light ginger colored she-cat and a small tabby ducked their heads, embarrassed.

"We also regret to report the death of one of our elders, Blackfur."

A few cats murmured sadly as Patchstar stepped back to make room for Graystar.

"A loner was found on our territory that has joined the Clan. His name is Hawkeye."

"Hawkeye! Hawkeye!" Hawkeye noticed that several cats gave each other anxious glances and the worried murmurs were just as loud as the chanting of his name. A few cats downright glared at him.

_An outcast. That's all I am. I don't belong here! As much as I hate it, I belong in Korea._

"Hush! Hawkeye should be given just as much chance as any other cat!" Graystar glowered at the cats. "Though ThunderClan _has _found some unwelcome cats on our territory recently. A patrol of RiverClan cats were found trying to steal Sunningrocks!"

The orange tom bared his teeth. "It's not stealing if it is rightfully ours!"

"That's Flamestar, the leader of RiverClan," Ravenwing spat, her ears flattened. Hawkeye remembered she had been at the fight with RiverClan, too.

"The past is the past, Flamestar," Graystar said, trying to remain calm. "Sunningrocks is ours."

"Oh, yes?" Flamestar hissed, his fur beginning to stand on end. "Well, you'll have to fight for it!"

"Would they fight now?" Hawkeye asked, alarmed.

"No, the full moon is a sacred truce," Ravenwing answered. "We would anger StarClan by fighting tonight. But there will be a battle later, I'm sure."

"That will have to be settled later," Graystar said, barely suppressed fury evident in his voice.

He stepped back and Flamestar came forward. "A RiverClan apprentice was recently made a warrior. RiverClan welcomes Pebblefoot as a full warrior."

"Pebblefoot! Pebblefoot!"

Hawkeye joined in the chant, although he noticed that many ThunderClan cats did not.

Then the Gathering ended and the four leaders jumped down. Foxpaw reappeared by Hawkeye's side, his eyes shining with excitement.

"Wasn't that fun? For a moment, I thought Graystar and Flamestar were going to fight, didn't you?"

"Yeah. I did."

When they got back, Foxpaw ran to the apprentices' den, calling Rabbitpaw's name.

"Guess what, Rabbitpaw?" He then launched into a detailed account of the Gathering, particularly the confrontation between Flamestar and Graystar.

After the story, Rabbitpaw glanced at Hawkeye. "What's wrong?"

"I'm nervous about a battle coming."

"I'm _excited _about a battle coming!" Foxpaw exclaimed. "I hope I get to fight in it!"

Hawkeye nearly yowled aloud in despair.

Once again, Hawkeye had trouble sleeping. He couldn't get Ravenwing's calm prediction of a battle out of his mind, or Foxpaw's eagerness to fight in it. There was also the fresh rejection of the cats at the Gathering.

_Belle, you were right! I have as many problems here as I did in Korea!_


	8. Chapter 8

Hawkeye was the last apprentice to rise the next morning. He slipped out of the den and stretched, looking for Foxpaw or Rabbitpaw. He wasn't going to eat without at least one of them around. Otherwise he might actually have to focus on the "food."

A terrified yowl distracted Hawkeye. He turned to the entrance tunnel where Mudpelt was charging into the main clearing. "Ravenfrost, come quickly! Foxpaw needs help; he was attacked by a fox!"

Hawkeye's heart dropped. _Foxpaw? Attacked? And by a fox, too. Damn, cruel irony!_

Ravenfrost met Mudpelt in the center of the clearing. "A fox?"

Hawkeye saw Smokepaw standing in the entrance to the medicine cat clearing. He disappeared back in and came back a moment later with a bundle of herbs in his jaws.

"A fox came from downwind so we didn't scent it until it was there. It was merciless! No matter what we did, it wouldn't leave Foxpaw alone! I suppose because he's smallest…"

Mudpelt's frenzied story ended when Tigerstripe came slowly into the camp, dragging Foxpaw by the scruff of his neck. Hawkeye's claws unconsciously slid into the ground at the sight of his friend. Deep bite marks were all over his shoulders and back and his fur was slick with blood. His ever-bright eyes were half closed and his paws and tail dragged in the dirt. Cats were gathering around the edge of the camp, wide eyed with shock and fear. Rabbitpaw and Shadowleaf ran into the center with a wild light in their eyes and their ears laid back.

"Lay him right there, Tigerstripe," Ravenfrost instructed as the dark brown warrior came to stand next to Mudpelt. He gently lowered the battered cat onto the ground.

The apprentice lay on his side, his flank moving rapidly and shallowly. Smokepaw and Ravenfrost madly rushed to quell the bleeding by patting cobwebs on his wounds. Foxpaw's mentor, brother, and parents stood in a ragged circle around the medicine cats and their patient. The rest of the Clan stayed farther back, still in the edges of the camp. Hawkeye staggered forward to stand next to Rabbitpaw and watch the young cat.

Foxpaw turned his head to face Rabbitpaw and Hawkeye. It seemed to take most his strength. "You're going to have to become warriors without me, you two. Don't worry, though. I'll be happy when I watch you from StarClan. I'm really glad to have trained with you."

He went stiff for a second, and then went limp and his eyes glazed over. Ravenfrost and Smokepaw halted their attempts to save the dead cat. There was a moment of eerie silence as the Clan realized the vital young apprentice would never bounce into camp again or animatedly tell a story to his denmates.

Rabbitpaw threw back his head and wailed. Shadowleaf buried leaned against Mudpelt as if she suddenly couldn't bear to stand. Tigerstripe's eyes darkened and he turned away. Ravenfrost and Smokepaw started to wash the blood from Foxpaw's pelt.

_It's not fair! This is what I wanted to get away from! Youth being cut down and dragged to the doctors bloodied and broken! And this is- was my friend! _Hawkeye's grief worsened when he thought of what could be happening to his other friends back in Korea. Back where he belonged.


	9. Chapter 9

Three days had passed since Foxpaw's death. Silverfur had been teaching Hawkeye battle moves.

And Hawkeye hated it. It was all jumping and dodging and pretending to claw other cats. Silverfur was a huge and intimidating warrior and Hawkeye usually ended up pinned to the sandy ground in the training hollow. On top of that, Hawkeye hated fighting. The idea of attacking Silverfur just didn't sit right with him.

Today was even worse. Rabbitpaw and Graystar came along with Silverfur and Hawkeye. Right now, Hawkeye was expected to attack his friend. Pretend or not, it didn't seem right in Hawkeye's mind. The apprentice was still subdued after his brother's bloody death, which made fighting him even harder.

Hawkeye leapt halfheartedly at the skinny apprentice. Rabbitpaw dodged to one side and hooked his paw around on of Hawkeye's front legs as he landed. He pulled the leg out from under him, toppling the black cat over. Then he quickly sprang on top of him, effectively winning. Hawkeye went limp and waited for Rabbitpaw to get off.

A few moments passed. "Uh, Hawkeye?" Rabbitpaw murmured. "You still have a chance."

"What are you talking about? You won."

Silverfur padded into the hollow from where he had been sitting near at the edge next to Graystar. "Hawkeye, remember what we learned yesterday? You can push your hind legs into Rabbitpaw's belly and push him off. Then you can try to pin him. Or in real battle, you could try to land a bite or scratch that will chase your foe away."

Hawkeye sighed and tapped Rabbitpaw's stomach with his back feet.

"Hawkeye!" Silverfur reprimanded. "That wouldn't even through a kit off. I can tell you're not trying."

Graystar stepped up next to Silverfur. "Yes, and with RiverClan showing such hostility, a battle may not be far away. So we all must be prepared. Including you."

Dread welled up inside Hawkeye. _Battle…Be prepared…_

Suddenly Shadowleaf burst into the hollow. "Graystar! It's RiverClan! They're trying to take Sunningrocks!"

Graystar flicked his tail at Silverfur and the two apprentices. He bounded into the forest, back toward camp. Shadowleaf, Silverfur, and Rabbitpaw charged after him. Hawkeye followed a bit more slowly, considering the possibility of flopping down on the ground and claiming that he twisted his foot. _Then they'll have to just leave me to catch up while they rush off into an urgent battle. But what if they see through the ruse?_

When they reached the camp, Graystar leapt to the Highrock. "ThunderClan, we are under attack! RiverClan is trying to steal Sunningrocks!"

Hawkeye listened while he listed a patrol of fighting cats to battle with RiverClan. His heart sank as he heard his name among them.


	10. Chapter 10

Author's Note: Sorry about the long break between this chapter and the last. School got really busy, then I was uninspired, then I sort of forgot about having to finish this. Thanks goes to Lady Nightwisp for encouraging me to keep working on this!

"Hawkeye, catch up!" Flamepelt growled over one shoulder for what must have been the eleventh time.

Hawkeye reluctantly picked up his pace. A heavy stone of dread rested heavily in his belly. His paws were taking him closer and closer to battle, the thing he despised most of all. _And I'll have to fight! It's not like Korea, where at least I would be focusing on helping wounded... _Memories of blood soaked soldiers, the look of fear in their eyes flashed through his mind, closely followed by the memory of the skirmish he had witnessed the other day. Horror rose in his chest as he imagined himself in the thick of battle. _Blood… pain… screams of pain…torn flesh… I can't do that! I can't! I have to get away! I can't fight, and that's that. I could never… _He shuddered as an image of himself swiping at a RiverClan warrior, their blood staining his claws… _I have to get away! I have to escape! But how? _Flamepelt and Flowershine had stayed at the back of the main patrol of warriors, and constantly threw suspicious glances back at Hawkeye. If he disappeared, they'd know almost instantly, and he didn't want to fight with them either. _I'm trapped! I can't escape without having to fight, and I can't stay without being led into a battle!_

He heard screeching up ahead. _I guess it's not over yet… That was my last hope._

Graystar gave a ferocious battle cry as they burst onto Sunningrocks. Every cat but Hawkeye threw himself into battle. Hawkeye froze, transfixed. The rocks were covered in the writhing masses of cats locked together in combat. Caterwauls of anger and agony drowned out the noise of the nearby river. He spotted a black cat running across the rocks, her shoulder fur wet with blood. A RiverClan warrior fled into the river, making the water around him crimson. _Is it over? Are they leaving? _But the battle continued, loud and fierce as ever. _Maybe I can leave then, too. I have to. I can't battle. I _won't _battle. I… I'll have to leave the Clans. I can't live in a society where everyone's expected to fight. I'll have to live on my own. _With a pang of longing, he remembered moonlit evenings snuggled close to Belle, bantering with Trapper in their tent (usually at Burns' expense), laughing at Klinger's next scheme to get out of the army, and sharing a drink in Henry's office. _I think I want to go back. The war will end, and I can go home to where fighting is practically illegal. I can be with Belle, my love; and Trapper, my best friend, not to mention Klinger and Henry and Radar. But here the fighting is a way of life, and it would be expected to be _my _way of life._

"I can't believe it," he murmured to himself. "I want to go back."

Suddenly, the weight of a body slammed into Hawkeye, bowling him over. Hawkeye stared up in shock into the snarling face of a RiverClan warrior. _He's going to kill me. I'll never see Belle, or anyone, ever- _His thoughts were interrupted when the warrior started dragging his claws down Hawkeye's side. Hawkeye yowled in pain and struggled frantically under the big tabby cat's grip.

"Help! He's going to-" Hawkeye was silenced by a fluffy softness in his mouth.

_He's suffocating me!_


	11. Chapter 11

Acknowledgements: I would like to thank Lady Nightwisp, mudstalker, Dragea, and PoochyPOWAH for all of your reviews! It's great to know people are out there, reading this! Also, thanks for adding me or this story to your favorites or watch lists; it's an honor. Thanks also go to all of my readers, even if you don't review or any of that. You're an inspiration.

* * *

As the battle faded around Hawkeye, he grabbed at the suffocating presence in his mouth. He stared in shock at what it was.

_A pillow? _

He sat up and looked around. Frank was glaring at him, and Trapper was staring worriedly.

"You alright, Hawk?"

Hawkeye faced Frank. "Did you throw that pillow? You could have suffocated me!" He stopped. _If it weren't for that, though, I wouldn't have come back… Wait, what am I talking about, of course I would have, eventually! It was just a dream._

"Hawkeye, you're bleeding!" Trapper exclaimed, rushing over. "What's wrong with you? Making all sorts of racket in your sleep a few moments ago, and now you're bleeding!"

Hawkeye glanced down. His side was covered in blood… the same side the RiverClan warrior had clawed. _But… it was a dream! Wasn't it?_

"Come on, Hawk. Let's go to the supply room. There's some bandages and disinfectant there."

He dazedly followed Trapper out of their tent. _What the hell just happened to me? Did I really go there? In my sleep? Did all that time in the forest only take one night here?_

When they reached the supply room and began to treat his wounds, Hawkeye's suspicions were confirmed. Long scratches ran down his side.

"Geez, Hawk, fighting bears in your bed?"

"…Not exactly."

Trapper gave him a strange look, but said nothing.

Later that day, Trapper and Hawkeye were in the mess tent, for dinner. It had been a quiet day, for the most part.

"Ready for a Thanksgiving feast from World War II surplus?" Trapper commented, rolling his eyes.

Hawkeye murmured a noncommittal reply. _Better than a dead mouse lying on the ground. I don't think I'd ever get used to that._

With a rush of affection, Hawkeye noticed Belle entering the tent. She came over to the table a few moments later with her food.

"Hello, lovely!" Hawkeye tried his best to sound cheerful.

"Hey, Hawkeye. Hi, Trapper." She lowered her voice. "Well, Hawkeye, here it is. Thanksgiving dinner. Did you think of something?"

Dozens of images and memories flashed through Hawkeye's mind: Foxpaw's death, Ravenwing's and Smokepaw's sadness, the hatred he had received from some of the cats, the truly disgusting food, the life of battling and bloodshed, the prejudice within the Clan, and his own despair at losing Trapper and Belle. Then he looked around at the people around him. Henry and Radar had arrived, and Trapper was harassing Radar, affectionately of course. Frank and Margaret were silently fuming at the sight of Klinger's outfit today, a black blouse, red plaid skirt, and a matching purse. Hawkeye chuckled to himself as he watched Klinger eagerly showing Father Mulcahy the newest fall fashions in the catalog he had received in the mail the other day. The timid Father looked completely overwhelmed. Hawkeye turned back to Belle, the girl who had captured his heart all those months ago.

"I think I could name a few, actually."


End file.
